Ep. 5 How to Identify & Respond to your inner critic

Hi friends, welcome to episode five of oh my goodness, with me. Aj, Smit, so I'm really excited to dive in today about a topic I get asked a lot about, and this is your inner critic, and it's wild, because sometimes we forget. We know what we know, right? And I'm sure you have this in your own experience with the things you know. And then you're talking to somebody and they're like, wait, what you know, whether that's physics or welding or basketball or soccer. And for me, that looks like inner critic work.

And last week, I was at Newt punk, which is a LARP conference in Norway, and it switches Scandinavian country every year. And I gave a talk on embodied tools for learning at their edu LARP conference. And it was astounding. Oh, my heart, right. Have you ever been in a place where you are surrounded by your people that you're just like, this is the goodness we knew. That's what that's what that's what it was Leslie. And as I was talking to my speech, I mentioned Barbara, and Barbara slash Brenda is what I lovingly call my inner critic. And I made a few references throughout the time. And at the end, I asked if there was any questions, or anybody had any reflections, and somebody raised their hand and was like, we want to know more about Barbara. And I was like, Okay. And then multiple other people have asked in the last few weeks.

So I'm recording this episode for you who raised your hand at the edu LARP conference asking about Barbara, and for everybody else who's like, Wait, we can talk back to our inner critic. Wait, that's not me. Wait. That inner voice is actually not my soul voice like, Oh, I've got you. I got you. I got you. More like, your true inner voice has got you, and I'm just here to explain how. So with that said, let's take a big deep breath in of just like, oh, there's hope, right? Oh, okay. Shimmy it out. Shake it out. Whenever I invite you to shimmy it out or shake it out or take a deep breath, it's because our nervous systems can get activated when we're talking about these things. Right? It's easy to talk about an idea, but not let it land in our bodies when it doesn't feel safe.

Our role as humans who are growing and learning how to be embodied in different ways is to allow our nervous system to have the capability to take in new information and actually apply it. This is something I talked about my talk, which, when I get the recording, maybe I will upload it here as a podcast, because it was fire anyways. But the idea is that if we can't get our body, mind and spirit all online to learn something. It's so much harder to apply it and remember it in the future, which is why I encourage you sometimes to be like, hey, if this is Oh, this is feeling rough, or this is taking feeling big, take a breath.

Take a break. Take a breath.

Come back. Listen again. Or send me a message. Talk through it. Does that make sense? So just encouragement, if you're reading the book and things are like, Whoa, this is a lot, go take a break. Don't go take a walk. It's when you're taking finals at school or something like that. I had a teacher that's like, if you just can't even think straight anymore, take a 20 minute walk and come back, because it gives your body time to process. We often think like, Oh, I'm just the soul floating in this body, and other times we're like, Oh, I'm just this flesh sack that's just doing life, and it's the far ends of the spectrum. Don't serve us.

Nothing is black and white, and if we get stuck there, we literally get stuck there, which is also what happens with our inner critic. So let's dive in. I'm going to take a sip of my water. Okay, so this, I'm trying to think back of when this kind of came clear. I don't know it had him in at least seven years ago. Anyways, that's probably less important than the fact that we're here. Now, when I found out that's not true, I have always been taught from a little girl that spirit was within me. That spirit is the still small voice within me. If you're not Christian, don't worry. Just stick with me. Is a still small voice within that I can trust, right?

And then I was told that the devil was like whispering in my ear, like always trying to lead me astray, or that temptations were always there around every corner. Each faith has goodness to share and give. Each faith has downsides of things that it shares, right? And so I grew up having this back and forth. Of my desires are given to me by God, and also my desires are going to waylaid me into hell. And that is a weird dichotomy to hold both.

And in one part, I grew up learning that I was. Was stitched by hand and dreamed up by God, and also that my body was bad and that my heart was deceitful above all things. So it's like this weird back and forth, right? So when I got to college, but as I kept learning spiritual things, fast forward years, I started discovering that every person I met had that voice, if they dropped down deep enough that felt like a still river or like a creek bed, that was like, hello, hi.

If everyone is spirit breathed, and this is my kind of filter of where I'm at now and my thoughts on the world. If everyone is spirit breathed, then everyone has that essence of you are worthy of goodness. You are loved. I'm glad you're here. You're made on purpose. If every person has a soul and every person is not a mistake, then that means that that core essence of you is good, is inherently good, and I will die on this hill. And so once I realized that that our soul is good, and that still small voice lives in everyone, if we get drop enough low enough to hear it, then I was like, then who's this bitch in apartment three that keeps the app and her ear off at me, sorry for sorting.

And I realized, like, Oh, this is our inner critic, because I've heard about it. But then once you put the name on it, it changes things when you're like, Oh, that's not me. It's not me, because it was me for so long. And as I started doing meditation work I could and like, archetype work. I was like, Okay, let's put faces on things. If you've read no bed parts, I know I reference this all the time, but like, really, Richard C Schwartz is work. Dr, Richard C Schwartz, his work is life changing.

And I talk about all the time. I use it in my work. Parts work, it's it's the best. Anyways, I was like, okay, so this is a part. This is a voice that is a conglomeration of different things, of stories. I've believed that other people have told me, of insults, of story society is handed down, right, of who a woman should be, how a good Christian girl should be, how an American should be, how Western culture should be. But fill in the list for whatever it is for you, right? We all got these recipe cards of what it means to be a proper XYZ. Once I realized that, I was like, Oh, okay. And I don't know if it was me or somebody else. I think it was me, because I think I led an inner critic 10. I was like, let's put a face to it.

And so when I closed my eyes and I was like, What? What does it look like this person that's saying all this in my head? And here's the thing that happens a lot of times, the voice in our head sounds like somebody we love, sounds like a family member or a teacher or a person in power or in charge. And that may be true. We may have heard or learned some of these things with them, but it gets dangerous, because that person has very real power in our world, you want to strip that power and change it, morph it so if you can think of your inner critic, if you're like, AJ, I don't even know what an inner critic is.

Great question, your inner critic is the voice you here that is rude and insults you and is like, you're never going to be enough. And like, Why do you even think you could do this? And like, usually people have about three, four heart wounds. My book red thread goes into this more. I will do a podcast about heart wounds another time. So we're not going to get into that. But basically, like, these three basic ideas that kind of like, oh, straight to the core. When they hit you, you're like, Oh, mine are like, you're never enough, you're messy and you're too much, which is funny, because you're never enough and too much kind of go hand in hand. But so this is the voice when I make a mistake or something, it's like, Oh, of course you did that. You're so stupid, right? That you think is you, but it's not. What is that voice? Can you put a picture on it? A name, a face? What are you whatever it could be a character from, like, a Disney villain, things like that. Some people have, like, Cartoon Animals, or they're like, it's like a teacher, okay? If it's like, somebody, can we shift it?

Like, take a dial. If you're watching YouTube video, you can see me. If you're watching the podcast, listening to the podcast, you can't, but like almost imagine you're taking a dial, and you can shift the features to make them somebody you don't recognize, but maybe they saw the characteristics, so mine my old now, I've kind of got to but, and I'll explain, I'll explain that in a minute,when, when I shifted her, when I looked, she was this gorgeous, like 50 year old church lady that's all like wearing white, which I struggle because A, I wear a lot of color, and don't really believe in pastels, and B, White gets staying very easily. I get very excited. So I'm all over the place. White's not a great color. For me to use in it to stay pristine. So she wears all white. She brings the good pies that she hand bakes. Her hair is in a bun, right? Like she's fabulous. She's involved in everything.

She's got this gorgeous red lipstick, like she's classic and and then she's like, AJ, that does not line up. That is not what you should be doing. God would be disappointed. Like, she'll just go and she'll read me a litany of Bible verses like but she looks great doing it. And so the Shame, shame, shame, it immediately washes over when I think of her saying, because it's like, you're not being a good enough Christian, you're leading people astray, you're bad at which I've heard all of this, right? So, like, the thing is, we get stuck in our inner critic and listening to it because we're like but it's true because people have told me these things. Just because people tell you things are true doesn't mean they're true. Just because you read something on the internet doesn't mean it's true.

People can write a lot of things, people can say a lot of things, but are they the words you want spoken over to you? Are they prophecies that you want to keep? Are there spoken words? Do we want to give them power? I would grow power have the words of life and death. I've also learned power. Words are spells. Right? Words have power. Do we want to grant these words this power? And when we don't know that certain words can have power, or that you have the choice on whether or not you want to receive that and embed it into your bones and carve it into your body, you don't know any better. You don't know any better, and you're just like, this person's in a place of power, and they're speaking this over me. So it must be true. Oh, oh. And it's so frustrating, because that shapes how you show up. And I just, God, I want to cry just thinking about it. For how many people I've met, Brene Brown did a study on this over 10,000 people.

Did you know that 85% of people have a creativity wound, have a wound that happened, that hit their soul in a way in school, so much that it changed the way they view themselves, changed the way irreverably that they see themselves. 50% of those were art wounds, creativity wounds. Just let that sink in. And maybe you're one of those 85% that a teacher said, like, what is this? This sucks, or This is dumb, or our student looked over and was like, flowers aren't blue, whatever. And how that shifted things for you? Can you feel that in your body that, like, click, it's almost like a pivot, like a cruise ship.

And we think maybe 1% doesn't make much of a difference, but over miles, it really does. And so when our inner critic is saying stuff, it's hard to not be like, well, easy for you to say. AJ, you're cute and you have blue hair. Yes, both of these things are true. And the amount of work it took to unwire this, you would be impressed. I deserve gold stars. I've given myself gold stars. I don't need you to give me gold stars. But I'm just saying this takes work. No matter who you are, everybody has layers. Anybody who says they don't have layers is either lying or, I don't know, maybe a psychopath. But the thing is, we're not comparing inner critics. That's not the point. And we do that sometimes with trauma or mental illness or neuro spiciness or experience where, oh, well, my inner critic is not as mean. So like, it's not that bad, so it's fine. Is it fine? Is it? Because if you want to change it, you can. If you don't like how a story feels about the story you're making up of the person you are, you can change that. And I don't know if anybody's ever told you that before, because I've said that a few times lately, and people look at me like I grew a third eye. And I'm like, you know you can have this, right? Like you can have goodness, but we're not taught this.

So I'm seeing this just in case you don't know this, because you deserve freedom, you deserve goodness, you deserve spaciousness in your mind and your body so you can listen to your soul. Okay, back to my soapbox, back to my other soapbox. Inner Critic. Welcome to podcasting with me. Okay? So we've got our inner critic, right? And alongside that we've got an image now, what's their name, and you can talk to them too. And also your inner critic can take up the space that you allow it. So if you're just like, Oh, they're about to run rough shot, just be like, Whoa. AJ said, You have no power here, you know. But like, Hey, what's your name? What do you want to be called? See what happens. See what shows up.

If you're like, This is opening doors. All this stuff. This is already there, Barbara. I also told people who aren't listening to me or, like, not her. Like, I also use Barbara and Brenda as, like a second hand, short term for people who assume the worst of me, because that's been my experience, right? So which, if your name is Barbara or Brenda, like I know a couple Barbara and Brenda's that I do love. So this isn't on you. This is just, there's not very many of you. So I feel less worse using this. And also, this is what Mayor critics said. So it is what it is.

Uh, sorry, in advance anyways some people are like this is like you're giving it. Power Are you or are you shining light on a voice that is doing damage for years right? And I think this is really important to keep in mind when we're doing this work, because so many people are like archetypes or XYZ or parts worker, then you're you're labeling things, and then you're like a, what is, what's the thing where you split like a, you know, I'm talking about schizophrenia or something. And when people are so quick to judge a tool that gives you language for what's actually happening in your body in real time, and the way that your mind is trying to sort out the stories you've been told versus the lies that you've believed, versus your soul's truth, versus spirit's whispering, versus the ideas that you just have to do in life.

That is a lot of sorting that if you don't have the language to do, just feels like a very messy, yucky spaghetti mix in a ball pit in the Sahara, hot, messy and gross. So before you're so quick to judge, if you're like, Oh, I can't, maybe that's your inner critic not wanting you to have any power over this situation, just try it out. So that's the last thing I'm going to say on that. So we've got our inner critic, we've got a personality, we've got vibes. What are they wearing? What do they look like? Where are they maybe they're in like a building or a place, or maybe it's like a field.

It's usually not like a black canvas and then just like a person there, maybe it is but I'm just saying I've run through this experience with Gosh over 500 people now, but yeah, at least. And so on average it's like okay I'm in this room and this is this person, but so we've got a name if they're like a human that you know, switch it, shift it however, you need to be something else, something new Okay, we got a name we got a personality and like, if you want, here's the hard part of it. If you're like, AJ, I'm already a fragile potato, don't do this part. But if you're like, Oh, I've got, I've got resourcing, I feel grounded. I feel good.

Resourcing is a reference to not letting our nervous system get blown out when we're doing this work. So maybe you feel like I need a soft blanket. Hey, I'm dragging I need to listen to this later. That's okay, but like, researching is just like, hey, do you feel good safe enough to do this? And if you're listening and you're like, safety doesn't matter. But this isn't about like, harm bad. Safety this is about nervous system, safety which is kind of a different language of if you feel activated or not. This is different than okay, I know I'm going on tangents, but when I feel spirit be like, Hey, by the way, mention this. It's usually for a reason. Somebody listening to this is having this question right now in real time. So I'm talking to you. If you're like, AJ, this doesn't apply. Stick with me, and this will give you extra language too.

Triggering and activating is a whole other conversation but a lot of times, when our nervous systems get triggered it's because they've been activated and then it gets pushed further or something like that that's a whole other conversation but when I'm talking about safety it's like hey, can we stay rooted in our bodies so we don't need to fight flight freeze fawn so I hope that helps to understand what I'm saying when we're like Hey, are We feeling resourced enough that we can do this inner critic work of being like, hey, what's the name and face without being like and like, shutting down and spiraling?

Because when I was deep in my burnout, my inner critic and fear and shame were so loud it felt like it was screaming in my brain all the time. So I'm also coming from this perspective of, like, some days you do not have the capacity to do this work. Other days, you feel great like today, I can be like, Brenda No, but there are times that I would think of Brenda or feel that like Man How dare you teach this.

But and I would just spiral, and I would cry, and I would go in my room or take a hot bath and I would just sob I would just sob and be like I'm trying to do my best for these people in this world and these women in my red tents, and then I'd have people being like, you're leading devil which circles, and I'm like, I'm not, I'm not. Actually, you should see, you should see what's happening in red tent when women feel seen and heard and loved and like they belong, right? But it was this back and forth that I had to do. I had to do that work. So that's the perspective I'm coming here with. So it does count.

It does count you feeling safe and good and loved and seen, to be able to stand in your ground and say inner critic, no, no, and putting the name on it, because it's not it's not you. Your inner critic is not you. If you take anything from this conversation, take that. I'm gonna take a sip of water so I don't keep crying. Okay, let's get back into it.

Okay, your inner critic now you're like, cool. Now I have a name for the voice that haunts me in my dreams. Great. Don't worry. I'm not gonna leave you here. What we're gonna do next is we're gonna take. Take a spell from a certain lady, she who shall not be named, she had a spell called ridiculous. And when she cast a spell, if you don't know Harry Potter, there's bogarts, and they take the form of whatever you fear the most, and the spell to get rid of them, or to, like, show their true form, quote, unquote, is ridiculous. And so we're gonna make your inner critic ridiculous.

This is also why we shift it so it's not a real person that you know, because you might feel bad and weird about doing this, um, and the movie like one guy his as like an angry teacher, and then when he casts a spell, the angry teacher then is dressed up in his grandma's clothes, somebody else had like an angry clown, and then it turned into, like a Jack in the Box. I think somebody had a spider, and then the Spider was on roller skates. You kind of get the idea, right? So when I cast ridiculous on Brenda Barbara, she Oh, I feel so terrible, but not really. She turns into a 70 year old lady who wears a tan stained moo, moo. Obviously no color in the moon at all, because I'm here for the moon. I'm here for, like, the fabulous, flowy clothes. Like, if you've ever seen a picture of me, you know I'm like, but does it twirl well? So she's in a tan, stained moo, moo. She only washes 90 where he runs of jeopardy, and the only fruit she brings food she brings to a party is stale fruitcake.

She's definitely so much fun. She's a little bitter. Betty, really is what it gets down to. And she's lonely and she's afraid, and she also knows lots of Bible verses and, like, let me just caveat here, in case somebody's like, AJ, you have a lot of like, Bible verse stuff here about Christians, like, do you hate Christians? No, no, I don't. And also, I grew up Evangelical, and so this is a lot of my embedding and my training and different things. It has taught me so much in things I love and cherish. And also I've had to unwire some like toxic theology both ended it, right?

I'm here for being paradox people, and I'm here for holding the both hand if you can too. Let's keep going. So when I talk to her about what I do, and she's just like, oh my gosh, and the women are, you're disappointing God, and you're letting God down. And this is a butter like, she'll, she'll just go, and I'm like, Brenda. A, you need to sweep your home. B, this is so dusty. Like, let's open up some windows. First off, Vanna White is great, but like, Did you know there's new episodes? So like, let's and I think that's like, Wheel of Time, or wheel of jeopardy, wheel of something. You know what I'm saying. So anyways, and she refuses. I'm like, if you want to go have fun, you let me know, because I'm living my best life. I'm having fun. I'm feeling aligned.

You need a shower, you you are not, and it makes this power difference where I'm like, oh, oh, okay, you're you're not actually living a life aligned to what I desire, right? Brenda oh, gee, Brenda, in the white that looks marvelous. I'm like, I want to be, you know, like, that's what I used to want to be like. And now I'm like, I would like the ability to wear a white pantsuit and not worry about ruining it. But also, that's also not what I desire. But when I look at my ridiculous Barbara, I'm like, I really don't want that. I don't want your advice at all. Actually, if you need some TLC, you let me know you can live better than this. Does that make sense? How it's like, draining the power of like, oh, oh, okay.

So now when I hear Barbara going, all I see is my sad mumu friend. And I'm like, Oh, do you need snacks? Do you need some grapes or something? I can hire a massage guide for you. Are you okay? And there's pity there. And when you add pity into it, it takes out some of the power of you suck. Does that make sense? Okay? So try that. And if you're like, I don't know how to do this, just send me a message, and I'm happy to help walk you through it too. Okay, so that's part one, ridiculous thing. Part two, and some of these tools work better than others for different people, different inner critics, different times, to just do what feels good for you. The second part of this is the inner defender, right?

So we have the inner critic. Now we get defenders. I love this for reasons. You're about to find out. If you're allowed to have a person that's very terrible to you inside, you're allowed to have people that have your back, and you probably have people who have your back in real life, but then you're like, Yeah, but my mind, it's different. Cool. Add them. Add them. This is your mind. Your mind is like a computer. It's like you're writing a new program. And I don't think people think often of how much they can add to the things. It's a practice. It's a practice. It's all a practice.

I just this is me gesturing wildly about the world and everything literally in your life is a practice. And of course, it's weird. Of course, it's hard, of course, it's awkward, yeah, because you haven't done this before. So can we just take the like, but this is weird, yeah, because you haven't done it before, right? And the sneaky thing about it is the inner critic in this part of you that's trying to keep you safe for what the inner critic, quote, unquote, thinks is safe will do anything in its power to get you to not do this. Because when you remove the power from your inner critic, y'all, Oh, you are emboldened. You are like, I am a sparkly potato. Like, let's get it. Let's go. Let's try it. It's no longer about failure. It's that, oh, I have more information. It's no longer about will I let my family down? Will I bring dishonor to us all? It's what is possible when I follow my soul.

Do you see what a shift that is? And when you start doing things, and you start putting yourself out there? Yes, it's more vulnerable, because you're like, here's my soul world, but you're taking more risk. You're doing things and like, that's a whole other conversation. That's a whole other layer of like, what that looks like to interact in the world. But it's a different ball game. And if we've kept ourselves safe this whole time by being in this tiny little box, you know, it's like, the blue like, I'm blue itself with the blue little window. Like, if you're just like, this tiny little box that you never go out of. And now you're like, I could go out of the box. I could it's like having a hypochondriac as your inner critic.

That's like, we can't, we can't do any of this. And then if you're like, actually, I'm healthy, I I could go outside, and they're like, there's a whole world out of here. Anything is possible, right? Like, it changes how you show up and see yourself in the world. It's so cool. So I'm just saying if this feels, if there's resistance, you're in a critic trying to be like, No, do not pass go. Do not collect $100 but if you think glow enough to your inner knowing your true voice, you'll hear that there is freedom here, right? I just, man, if, if, if even three people who listen to this do this work, their life will change.

I just, I have no chill about any of this work. So also, side note, if you're like, AJ, my true inner voice, let's pause for two seconds. If it's loud and it's like you got to do this right now or else, like

butter. Hello, fear. Hi. Fear is like a it's like a 12 year old child that thinks they know everything and is also trying to make you not miss your exit on the road. Fear is your like a hardwired body thing, but also can get out of hand. So if you're just like, Oh, hi, fear, thank you so much. I don't need you right now. Please go watch a Disney movie. Just swipe. I don't know if it's swipe left or swipe right, but just swipe, swipe, no. If it's like, oh, you could do that, but you are absolutely terrible, and everybody hates you. And butter da Hello, shame, nice to see you here today. Swipe, not it. If it's like, okay, we gotta do this, because then these people are waiting on us for this, and then we gotta do that.

Because, Oh, hello. Hello. Are expectations of other people's expectations of us. Like, that's a lot, yep, nope. Swipe, because half of those things might be true and half of those things might not, but there's literally no way to decipher and also, like, we're no, we're not doing the mind reading thing anymore. We're done with that. Okay, four, as if it's, this is the one that gets tricky is it's this slow, smooth voice that's like, Oh, you did so good in there.

Everybody would be so proud of you, except the fact that you completely botched everything, because you're an embarrassment to everybody, and you deflate so quickly, because those are the lies we believe about ourselves. And it sounds almost like your true voice, almost like spirit, but then it comes in with this like sharp little knife and just stabs you in the gut. And you're like, oh my gosh, down for the count, right? And it's like, you you might be laughing in the car, because you're like, I know exactly what you're talking about. I had somebody listen to the podcast about corn cup holders, and the woman understood it, and the man was like, you feel like that. And so if you know what I mean about this voice, you'll know what I mean. And if you go below that, soy, soy. So if anything that's loud, fast, slimy, weird, has a texture that just feels off, and at the bottom of it, you'll hear the voice that says, Hi, welcome.

And even if you had a hard day, it'll be like, yeah, that was rough. Let's go shower and go to bed. Even if the things go completely off the rails. It's like, yeah, oh, tomorrow's a new day, right? So at the end of the day, that's how you get to your troop base. Back to inner critic. This is a long podcast episode. I hope you're sticking with me, because I promise this is all goodness. I'm not saying fluff. Okay, so your inner defender, so that's how you know this is the good work. You've got your ridiculous Inner Defender time.

Because sometimes even when we take away that power, there's still that voice that's like, sometimes that voice is so quick and so witty. I'm like, Could I have a half of this wittiness in my day to day life? You know, some days you have those days where you're feeling super witty and you're like, Oh, I'm on top of it. And other days you only feel witty at like 9pm at night when you're like, oh, I should have said x, right? Sometimes our inner critic is on top of it in a way that is kind of terrifying. So on those days, we need inner defenders. Who are your inner defenders? These could be people from literary worlds, fictional worlds. They could be real people. They could be dead people. They could be your pet, they could be anything. They could be blue, they could be higher, led sky.

It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. Literally, does not matter. They don't have to know you. They just have to be willing to speak up. And if you're like, nobody, be willing to speak up. Okay? What would Mr. Rogers say to your inner critic? And if you're like, oh, he wouldn't like it. Okay, cool. Maybe it's not even about you. Maybe it's not about you, and maybe that helps. Some people have had to do this.

If you're like, well, AJ, that doesn't remove the point. No, no, it really doesn't, because the idea is they don't get to talk to you like that. There are ways to give feedback and constructive criticism in a way that elevates you not tears you down, right? It reminds me of the thing, and I hate this so much when people are like, brutal honesty, and they're like, I'm just brutally honest. I'm like, No, you're just an asshole. You can be kind honest. You can have clear honesty. You can have compassionate honesty. But brutality, I don't want any kind of brutality in my life. I No, no, right? So what if it's not about you? What if it's about your inner critic?

If you're like nobody wants to defend me a I'll come in there with my maracas so hard and just be like, Absolutely not. This person is marvelous. Have you met them? Like, go listen my hype episode. If you need to talk back to your inner critic in real time, like, I got you. And so throw me in there. You can have multiple inner defenders. Grab your mom, grab an auntie, grab your dog, would your dog be like, Oh my gosh, no, right?

So, like, throw people in there, and then if you did the work of letting your inner critic, like, what? What are the things that they say most often, you can go through your inner defenders and be like, What would Mr. Rogers say about this? What would the rock say about this? What would Oprah say about this? Um, Jen Hatmaker has this phrase that I love that I repeat all the time, and she says, Enough people fan girl about me. She's like, but you should really fangirl your friends. And I love that. I love that so much.

So I have no chill about my friends. So I fangirl my friends all the time. I fangirl a lot of people, honestly. But what about your friends? And if you're like, my friends wouldn't care. Can you just pretend with me for one minute that your friends do care, and they would love, love to defend you.

They'll take their little corn cow holders be like no inner critic you. You shall not pass what would Gandalf say, right? So whoever you want, pull in, pull in, and then write down in your journal if you want, what they would respond to your inner critic with. And if you want, here's the next level of it. You can even put this in your phone. And if you're like, why would I do that? Don't worry, I got you. Because part of this is retraining your brain. If we're so used to repeating the story, it's like a script. Have you ever okay if you're as old as me, which feels weird to say, because

I'm only 35 but back in the day, when you went to a movie theater, they went to do, you know, with the that, and they had the, this is not healthy. The the the black thing that turns around with the film, the film The film roll. They would install the film roll, and then they'd roll the movie, right?

This is just like that. Your inner critic is not doing anything new. They're not inventing anything new. They're really just repeating stories and things that other people have given them. They're only repeating the scripts that you're allowing them to do. Oh, maybe you weren't ready for that Mic drop. We'll talk about enough that another time. Anyways. So if you know that, then we know that we got to get new scripts in this joint.

We need to bring in new scripts, new movies to play. So if we've got inner defenders, and they're going to start saying other things, it's like you're co rolling two movies, and if you have the sound waves that are opposite, they like cancel each other out or same. There's science there somewhere that I'm not explaining well, but the idea is that it's going to take time to sometimes get your inner defenders up and moving. And so cheat sheet is to put it on your phone of when my inner defender says this, or inner critic says, x, y, z, these guys pitch in this is what they would say, and you can speak the words out loud over yourself. That's why. Did when I first started, and I was like, Kelsey would say, Kelsey is my best friend. Kelsey would say that I'm not stupid, that I just made a mistake.

And I would still sit there crying, but I'd be like, Kelsey thinks I'm cool. Jeremy loves me. I think God has my back, okay? And then I'd be like, maybe God doesn't have my back, but I think Jesus would like me. This one girl liked my outfit today, like I would use the tiniest, tiniest things, right, and I would repeat them back. Now I can like, now it feels second nature, but it can take practice for a minute and writing them down when it's so overwhelming, if your inner critic has made a whole hurricane, looking up that list to even get a tiny window, a tiny moment of clarity.

Because sometimes, oh, this bothers me so much, is when we try these new skills and then we're like, but it's not clear skies immediately, no, because these things take practice. It's a practice, remember, so if your hurricane has turned into just a storm that is still a win. Can you give yourself the gift of looking at how far you've come as well? Because that counts for a lot. It counts for a lot, and the fact that you're still showing up counts for a lot. So give yourselves gold stars. Give yourselves kudos on maraca moment we need to surf it. Okay? Let me like bring it all home for us as we start to wrap up.

Because I think this is my longest podcast episode yet. But, like, this is a big topic. It's a big topic. Let's all take a moment to breathe. So just take a few breaths. I'm going to take a sip of my water, but just big breath. Okay, so where do we go from here, as you grow and change and as you shift into becoming a truer version of you, and if you're like I'm always me, I understand, but like a you that's not completely by your inner critic, your inner dialog may change, and your inner critic may change.

So I have Brenda, but Brenda, honestly, even the old version doesn't have as much power over me now that my spirituality has shifted, that the way I see myself has shifted. My priorities has shifted. What happened was when I did this work, I think it was two years ago. Maybe I was running this, a red tent on inner critic and stuff, and I realized I had a different inner critic now. And I was like, Oh my gosh, what? And so my new person is a conglomeration of a few different people who were doing stuff that got under my skin and made me doubt myself, lots of sleepless nights anyways, and so when I ridiculous them, they are essentially, they're this, like pink little Muppet that lives in a trash can in in this alley, in this Muppet party central place where everybody's living their best life.

It's like Muppet utopia, but they're living in this dark, dank alleyway, subsisting on Daily Profit, not daily profits, daily tabloids. What's a Daily Star? Daily Sun? Yeah, there we go. And just eating like day tabloids and being miserable and being like, Well, you shouldn't butt it out, and it's like, well, what? And and when I realized that I had a new inner critic, honestly, it was pretty gutting, because I was like, I've done all this work to get over Brenda and Barbara.

Come on, work with me here. But then I also realized that our bodies and brains want to keep us safe, and sometimes the best way to do that is say, you know, like a like, a mom wants to be like, don't go off of here, like, don't, don't run into the street, right? Fear can sometimes grip us and be like, don't run off in the street, because it doesn't realize that we're adults that can think through these things and is trying to keep us safe. That's maybe not the best analogy, but work with me. And so if we can look at it from a Hmm, okay, these are the things that I'm letting kind of sink in, or like, speak, that maybe shouldn't have power.

And then it's like, okay, what do I need? Like, we're doing the work again, right? And sometimes it's kind of exhausting. Sometimes you're like, I don't have patience for this today. And sometimes I'm just like, I'm not, not today. I just, okay, you'll just chair chatter over there. And I'm, I'm just gonna keep my face down and do this work, but when you can be honest about the stories that you are sort of believing about who you are and the work you're doing, it can a really freaking suck to be like.

This is my monolog saying that i. A bad friend, and I'm never going to measure up, and everybody's disappointed. Like, this is what I'm repeating to myself. These are my examples. Everybody's different, but like, that can feel a little defeating, and also like, Damn you, okay. Like, what's up? And there can be, and this is, this is also literally the same conversations I've had in almost every time I've led this is, this is what people are saying too. Is like, if I'm saying this about myself, isn't it true? And this comes back to what I said earlier. Just because words are spoken over you or to you, or you're speaking them to yourself, does not make them true.

You get to choose what you want to claim, what you want to keep, and how you want to flip or deny or shift, any of these things, because sometimes thoughts will burrow right like they get in these grooves. If you repeat it enough, you get these brain grooves. And it's like mindset work like we got to rewire, we got to rethink, okay, we got to I always mess this up. Do I or am I learning something new? Oh, you're never going to get this. Okay, well, I didn't get that. Doesn't mean I'm going to get these things.

If we can lower the intensity on our inner critic, or some of those stories we tell ourselves, and then start coming in with like, Okay, well, Edison, I think, did the light bulb thing? No, yeah. Like, 2000 light bulbs, something like that, right? Or like, okay, my friend, I have a writer friend, and she writes fan fiction, and she has written so much gorgeousness and like, so good, right? And she's just writing. It's like, okay, if she can just write, and she can just go, I can just write, and I can go, like, use other people as evidence. Like, pile of evidence. Look at people in your lives. If you're feeling jealous of people, like, hey, that might be an invitation of something that you want from their life, that you want in yours. It doesn't mean that you need theirs. There's enough to go around, more than enough to go around.

But maybe use that as an invitation, as evidence of, okay, if they get to have that, maybe I get to have that. Oh, she's happy in her marriage. Maybe I can be happy in my marriage. Oh, she loves her kids and gets to have a free weekend once a month. Maybe I know I love my kids, I can have a free weekend once a month, right? Like we can take this and use evidence from our real world as well to stack up against our inner critic. Because if our inner critic has spent our whole lives piling the stack of evidence of who we are and what it thinks about us and what we're capable of. That's a whole other conversation. We need to start compiling evidence of what is possible and also what's already working, what has already been the goodness in our life.

Because we're so so quick, man across the board, my road tents, we're so quick to dismiss ourselves and be like, ah, but it doesn't really count, because XYZ, when other people would be like, Oh my gosh, I've never been able to do that. So many women do not actually see the gifts that they have given as gifts, as things that they are good at and are capable at, and they're just like, ah, that's just hard work. That's how I was for a very long time, like, Ah, I'm just, you know, oh man, you lead these spaces beautifully. I mean, it's not hard, oh, actually, maybe it is just easier for me.

And also, I've been training in this for 1520, years now, right? Like, if you can step back, take it in, when people say stuff not brush it off, and it's just like, yes, thank you. That is something I'm good at. Mama Gina, okay? And now we're kind of getting into the area of, like, how we grow. So that'll be a different podcast. But I just want to say this one thing. Mama Gina wrote multiple books, and I took her class A couple years ago of boot camp, and she had this thing where when people give you a compliment, she's like, so often we brush it off and we're like, ah no, not really, or things, but you know, and she's like, you're just like, people are loving you a tennis ball or loving you a gift, and it's like you're taking a tennis racket to a Christmas gift and just smacking as hard as you can. She's like, how do you think that makes them feel when they're like, Yeah, but this is true, and something you wanted to say to you, and then you're like, No, and you're like, smashing it on the floor, and you're not even like, Thor like another.

It's just like you're not even appreciating the thing they sent you. You're not letting it sink in, because your inner critics like you don't deserve that. You're not good enough for that. How often has your inner critic kept you from reveling in a moment or soaking in some goodness that somebody gave you, or appreciating what you had done or been and this isn't a prideful, boastful thing.

This is just like, I got to do this because I was listening to spirit, I was walking in alignment and doing the next right thing. And here we are. And how cool is this, that I'm surrounded by my friends, but Right? Does that make sense? And so she says, when somebody gives you a compliment, say, thank you. It's true. And I was like, Oh my god. The audacity. Like. This what? Like you can't just say that, like, Oh, that feels gross. And you know what? I started trying it, and it was a game changer, and some people called meetings, and they're like, oh, rude.

And I was like Is it though, because you just gave me that compliment I'm just double stamping and saying thank you I appreciate it, like, Yes, I have worked hard on this it is true. And they were like, Yeah, but you know, and I was like, Yeah, but what? Why are you being weird. Now, you you said this, first right? Like, it was very eye opening and other people were like, yeah, it is true. I'm glad you recognized this, and I was like yes, you're welcome my pleasure and also it just allowed more space in my body to appreciate the differences I brought to this world my gifts, and to also be appreciative of spirit and myself and the way I was wired of like, cool, it is working. It's all working the way I'm showing up, people are seeing it, and I'm using it for good.

And so every time I get a compliment, it doesn't feel like it's a Me, me thing. It feels like, look, this is evidence that it is lining up and working exactly as it needs to, because it's being seen, it's being noticed, that the things I'm trying to deliver are showing up in the ways that I desire. So that makes sense.

So let me know if you have any questions, I know we covered a lot of ground inner critic is a very not complicated topic, but it can get sticky it can totally get sticky if you have any questions come into embodied, enjoy is my Facebook group through your questions. There I think I have different live videos and stuff about this as well. But you're worthwhile to doing this work, and if you don't believe me, that's okay. I can hold that belief for you. But let me tell you the people who have done this work of identifying shifting their inner critic.

I had a guy named Tim, I think the first because I done this at Red tents, but I did this at a conference once, and there was like 150 people there or something, and as a business conference, and there was a guy named Tim in the audience he was like, 65 something, and he came up afterwards. He's like, I have attended a lot of conferences, and he had tears in his eyes. He's like, I've never known that my inner critic was my dad, and he's like, and being able to shift that and take that power away from my dad, and put it into a voice that I could talk back to he's like that never even occurred to me he's like this has literally changed, my life and so whether you're 15 and listening to this which like I wish I had this when I was 15 or you're 80.

May this serve you to show up in the fullness of who you were created to be and exist as and know that you are so worthy of goodness and love and delight and that I think you are a treasure. So go sing your soul song. Go drink some water eat your carrots eat your cake do some twirling, do some laughter find some joy find some delight and let me know, send me a message post in a comment here on Spotify or in embodied enjoy or make a Facebook post share this like I'd love to hear what is your inner critic What did you shift it as how is this showing up for you, because it's not just about us when we do this work, it's about the ripples the way this shows up in our life.

I talk about soul care and taking care of ourselves, because it changes intrinsically when we have language, when we have tools, how we show up in community, how we show up for ourselves, and how we show up for the greater world, right? So, okay, I could keep going on forever so I love you and I will talk to you soon, bye, friends, bye.